The big C?

Jeff and I had talked about trying to have a baby, so I had quit getting my birth control shot. Reality set in and we both realized that right now we just can't afford to have another baby. So I made an appointment with the health department.

Since I had been off my birth control, I had to do a Pap and all that fun stuff, wait 2 weeks (no sex) and then come back and do another pregnancy test and they would give me my shot.

When I went in this morning, I noticed a new paper in my chart so I was looking over it as the nurse was getting everything ready. It was my pap results.

A little over 2 years ago, I had an abnormal pap. I had to have a colposcoy done and they did a biopsy of the cells as well. Everything came back fine. Not precancerous or anything. Because of that abnormal pap though I also had to have pap's done every 3-6 months just to keep an eye on things. All of those were fine. I had my last one right before I moved here last year.

This time the results are not just abnormal they are: High-grade squamous intraepithelial lesions (HSIL): This category is used for cell changes that have a higher likelihood of progressing to cancer. This category includes the presence of moderate to severe dysplasia, carcinoma in situ (CIS), CIN 2 and CIN 3, or changes suspicious for invasive cancer.

I really do not know anything other than the cells look worse than they did the first time. Which scares me. Will this keep coming back every year or so and gradually get worse until I do have cancer? Do I have cancer now?

I have to go have another colposcopy done at the end of February and probably a biopsy as well. Then I should know a little more as far as what is wrong.

I asked the nurse practitioner if I should get the HPV shot. She said that they do not know what effect it has in people over 26 as they have not studied it. I will be 26 in March. She said that it is also costly. It is $140 a shot and you have to have 3 shots over a 6 month period. She did say though that if it was her, she would get it. Guess my emergency fund will be going towards that.

I also asked what kind of treatment there is and basically they will do the colposcopy and the biopsy and then if there is cancer they will have to remove the parts of my cervix that are infected. Depending on how much they have to remove, it can prevent me from being able to conceive.

I called my mom after I got to work and got some stuff taken care of. As soon as I started talking to her I started crying. She offered to come up here and do whatever she needed too. Can you make it go away? Then she asked if I had told Jeff. Mom that is not a conversation I want to have on the phone. "Hi dear! How's your day? Oh yeah, it looks like I might have cancer." Honestly, it is not a conversation I want to have when I get home tonight either.

We have decided to put off having a baby, and now we might not even be able to have one. I guess I am lucky that I already have Daniel. I know I have to think positive (thanks for reminding me mom) but right now I am just scared.

Anyone have any experience with this?