Thursday, April 30, 2009

Some advice needed

A little over a month ago my husband did something that made me lose some of my trust in him. Nothing so drastic as cheating on me or anything but something that we had talked about and both reached an agreement about.

He lied to me blatantly to my face, and it was a really bad lie at that.

After a few days ( I needed some time to cool down and think.) we talked and I explained to hin how much it hurt me that he lied, and how it was going to take me a while to get over that, and that it would take me a while to be able to trust him again. He said he knew that and could understand that and that he was sorry it would not happen again. But how do I know? Like I said he has pretty much lost my trust.

How do you fix something like that in a relationship? I have no experience with this. I have always been the type that when things got rough, I got out. I do not want that to be the case here though. I love Jeff.

I know he loves me and I love him very much but at the same time I guess I am still hurt maybe?

I know this is not anywhere near the end for us and that eventually we will recover, but what can I do to make it better?

Should it be up to me to try and make things better?

BLECH! I am soooo confused.


aaensons said...

i am the type that they have to earn my trust back. show me that they are sorry and that they will not do that again. just talk to him and let him know that he need to prove to you that it will not happen again. it is hard but it does get better trust me i have been there. it is one of those things that takes time and patience but it will get better i promise

Janelle said...

Natalie-I don't know your history so I don't want to speak out of turn, but from my personal experience when something similar happened to me/us I'll say this: You have to make a consious choice with each of your actions and responses. If your ultimate choice is that your marriage is for life then your responses are already known--you just need to act them out. It's hard, you'll be hurt and angry for some time to come, but with us I figured I should show some grace as I was bound to screw up at some point too. I will also say in our case I threw it in his face for a while, but now, gosh, 12 years or so later (I don't even know now) I don't even think of it, he is totally forgiven. Since then we've been able to build a stronger relationship because we were both working so hard at it. It was so important to us to have a good and strong relationship that would last until we are old and sitting on our front porch in rocking chairs.
PS You don't have to publish this if you don't want to :)

Natalie said...

Thanks for the help. We both do want this relationship to work and I know it will not be easy. I was just frustrated last night. Thanks for sharing both of you. Helps to know others have gone through this and made it out alive lol

mrsb said...

The important thing, I think, is to know that he's really sorry, and for him to know that you were really hurt by it. That seems to have happened, and says that even though he did screw up, you guys seem to have a pretty good communication going, and that's awesome.

Getting over something like this is so hard, but knowing that you do want to is half the battle. As hard as it can be, try not to throw this mistake in his face every time you get angry at him. It's his job to work on gaining back your trust, but it's your job to work on really being forgiving. Neither will probably be as easy as you'd like them to be.

Marriages have so many little pit falls, highs and lows. Just remember that this is, in the big scope of things, a speed bump in your marriage, and that it will pass, and you'll move on to better times. Looks like you guys really have a firm foundation to your marriage, so you are all ready ahead of the game!

MJ said...

It is perfectly natural that once he has broken your trust, it will take some time to earn that trust back. The important thing being that you recognize that it's something worth working towards. You also need to make sure that you're truly open to allowing him to earn your trust back. I think it's important to communicate openly and once he has earned your trust back, you have to let go it. Constantly dredging up the other person's mistakes just further hampers the growth of a relationship.

Liz said...

Everyone up there holds a really really good point. Especially Mrs. B... he's got to show you that he really is sorry, and you've got to work towards forgiving him.
I went to a bridal shower last week at work. Everyone put relationship tips in a jar for them (why, I don't know.... it's both of their second marriages. They're... "seasoned.") Anywho, a couple of the tips stuck out in my mind. "Let your husband be right once in a while." "Make love often." "Forgive and let live." "Make breakfast every morning. The quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach."
Obviously I'm not one to give advice, but... just look within yourself. Where do you see yourself a year from now? 5? 15?
You're a smart gal ;) I have faith that you'll figure it all out.


heres what you do... kick him in the nuts and tell him to knock it off

should catch his attention

seriously you need to make him earn it back. been there.

Bobbi said...

When the person you love abuses your trust, it is hard to get over. My ex severely abused my trust and it took me years to get over it. When I started dating my husband 25 years ago, it took me a long time to trust him because I was afraid he would be like my ex.

I'm the type of person that it takes a lot to earn my trust and if you break that trust it takes an even longer time to get over it.

If you truly love each other you have to make a committment to work on your relationship to make it better.

I hope everything works out okay - it will just take time.